Embracing Imperfection: How “Messing Up” is Productive.
We all make mistakes from time to time. It’s an inevitable part of being human. But what happens when we do? What do we tell ourselves? How do we think and feel about ourselves in those moments?
In a world where mistakes are so common, it’s curious how societal norms still push us to strive for perfection and always give 100%. This contradiction often leads us to view mistakes negatively and, consequently, view ourselves negatively when we slip up. We might tell ourselves that we “should” or “shouldn’t” have done things a certain way, think we are “not good enough,” or feel like we are failing in some way. Ironically, these thoughts and feelings set us up for “failure” because we set the bar of success impossibly high.
So how can we break this cycle of making mistakes, beating ourselves up for them, and feeling like failures? Research shows that changing our thought patterns can be incredibly effective. When we shift our perspective to see mistakes as opportunities for growth, we can transform our belief that making mistakes dooms us to failure. Instead, we can recognize that mistakes can be productive and even crucial for future success.
As a mom, viewing mistakes as opportunities for growth is crucial because motherhood itself is a continuous learning process. Despite the abundance of parenting resources available, there is no manual tailored to your unique situation, so making mistakes from time to time is inevitable. Embracing this mindset not only benefits you but also profoundly impacts your parenting. By responding to your own mistakes with kindness and compassion, you model healthy ways to handle errors for your children.
When you respond to your child's mistakes with understanding instead of blame and punishment, you strengthen your connection and foster a healthy attachment. This approach teaches your child that it's safe to come to you for help, rather than feeling isolated when they face challenges or make mistakes. In doing so, you’re not only supporting your family's well-being now but also instilling in your child the confidence to seek support and learn from their experiences.
With this mindset, how can we start viewing our mistakes as stepping stones rather than stumbling blocks?
1. They give you the opportunity to identify what to do differently next time.
Imagine your child has a meltdown at the grocery store. You feel embarrassed and frustrated, and you end up raising your voice and rushing through the rest of your shopping, feeling frazzled and upset. Later, you reflect on the situation and realize there might have been a better way to handle it.
Understand the Trigger: You notice that your child’s tantrum often happens when they’re tired or hungry. Next time, you can ensure they have a snack and are well-rested before going out.
Prepare and Plan: You decide to bring along a small toy or book to keep your child occupied during the trip. You also make a shorter shopping list to reduce the time spent in the store.
Stay Calm and Consistent: You practice staying calm and using a consistent strategy, like calmly explaining the behavior you expect and offering a small reward for good behavior.
Teach Emotional Regulation: At home, you work with your child on recognizing their emotions and using words to express how they feel. You practice deep-breathing exercises together and model calming techniques.
The next time you go shopping, your child still starts to get fussy, but you’re prepared. You give them a snack, hand them their favorite book, and calmly remind them of the behavior you expect. You stay composed, and the shopping trip goes more smoothly. You both leave the store without the stress and frustration of a tantrum.
By learning from the previous experience, you’ve not only improved your own response but also taught your child valuable skills in emotional regulation and communication. This growth strengthens your relationship and makes future challenges easier to handle.
2. They give you the opportunity to learn how to repair.
Imagine one morning, you’re rushing to get ready for work and your preschooler is taking their time putting on their shoes. In your frustration, you snap at them, saying, “Hurry up! You’re always so slow!” Your child looks upset and starts to cry. You feel immediate guilt for losing your temper.
Reflect on the Mistake: Later, you reflect on your reaction and recognize that your stress and impatience caused you to speak harshly to your child.
Acknowledge Your Error: You kneel down to your child’s level, look them in the eye, and say, “I’m really sorry for getting angry and yelling at you this morning. That wasn’t fair.”
Express Understanding and Empathy: You add, “I know it hurt your feelings when I said you were slow. I was feeling rushed, but that doesn’t make it okay to speak to you like that.”
Repair and Make Amends: You give your child a hug and say, “Can we try again together? Let’s see if we can make putting on your shoes more fun. Maybe we can make it a game!”
Learn and Grow Together: You also discuss a new morning routine that allows more time for getting ready, reducing stress for both of you. You might say, “Let’s start getting ready a little earlier so we have more time to do things together in the morning.”
Your child feels reassured by your apology and hug. You both work together to make getting ready more enjoyable, turning a stressful moment into a bonding experience. By acknowledging your mistake, apologizing sincerely, and making amends, you not only repair the relationship but also model the importance of taking responsibility and expressing kindness.
This experience shows your child that it’s okay to make mistakes and that apologizing and making things right is important. It helps to build a strong, trusting relationship and teaches valuable lessons in empathy and forgiveness.
3. They give you the opportunity to learn to recognize your own patterns and triggers.
Imagine every time there’s a conflict at home, you find yourself yelling at your partner or children. You notice this pattern and realize it’s causing distress and tension in your household. Reflecting on your own childhood, you recognize that your response to conflict might be rooted in the constant fighting you experienced growing up.
Reflect on the Repeated Mistakes: After another argument where you ended up yelling, you take time to reflect on why you react this way. You recall that there was a lot of yelling and fighting in your household growing up, which made you feel scared and anxious as a child.
Identify the Trigger: You realize that conflict triggers a deep-seated fear and anxiety in you, causing you to revert to the yelling behavior you witnessed as a child.
Understand Your Response: You acknowledge that your response to conflict—yelling—is a learned behavior from your childhood environment. You understand that this reaction is not constructive and is causing harm to your family.
Make a Plan to Address the Trigger: With this understanding, you decide to break the cycle and respond differently to conflict. You seek ways to manage your emotions and react more calmly. You decide to seek therapy to discuss your childhood, develop coping strategies to use when you are upset, and practice being self-aware of your responses to emotional triggers.
Communicate Your Plan: You talk to your partner and children about your efforts to change and ask for their support. You might say, “I’m trying to work on not yelling when I’m upset. If I start to raise my voice, please gently remind me to take a deep breath.”
By recognizing the pattern and identifying the trigger rooted in your childhood trauma, you take steps to break the cycle of yelling. Over time, you notice that your conflicts become less intense, and your home environment becomes more peaceful. Your family feels more secure and respected, and you build healthier communication patterns.
This process not only helps you heal from your past but also teaches your family the importance of emotional regulation and constructive conflict resolution. Your efforts to change create a more supportive and loving atmosphere for everyone.
4. They give you the opportunity to practice being kind to yourself.
Imagine one evening, you're exhausted after a long day and trying to get your toddler ready for bed. Your child is cranky and refusing to cooperate, throwing a tantrum when it's time to put on pajamas. In your frustration and fatigue, you raise your voice and say, “Why can’t you just listen for once?” Your child starts crying even harder, and you feel immediate guilt for losing your temper.
Acknowledge the Mistake and Self-Blame: Once your child is finally asleep, you sit down and start beating yourself up for losing your temper. Thoughts of “I should have been more patient” and “I’m not good enough as a parent” flood your mind. You feel overwhelmed with guilt.
Understand the Emotional Impact: You recognize that your reaction came from a place of exhaustion and stress, not from a lack of love or care for your child. You understand that it's natural to feel overwhelmed and make mistakes, especially when parenting young children.
Practice Self-Compassion: Instead of continuing to blame yourself, you consciously choose to practice self-kindness. You say to yourself, “It’s okay to feel frustrated. Parenting is hard, and I’m doing my best. I love my child, and I’m learning from this experience.”
Learn from the Experience: You reflect on what triggered your frustration and think about how you can handle similar situations better in the future. You decide to incorporate more calming activities into your evening routine and prioritize self-care to manage stress levels.
Seek Support and Forgiveness: You reach out to your partner or a trusted friend, sharing your feelings of guilt and seeking reassurance. They remind you that everyone has challenging moments and offer support and understanding.
By practicing self-compassion and seeking support, you break the cycle of self-blame and guilt. This allows you to focus on learning from the experience and improving your parenting skills. Your ability to acknowledge your emotions and forgive yourself sets a positive example for your child about resilience and self-kindness.
This process not only helps you grow as a parent but also creates a more nurturing and supportive environment for your family. It teaches your child that making mistakes is a part of life and that showing kindness to oneself is an important skill for emotional well-being.
